You Can Rant If You Want To...

* Degenerative disc disease

* Osteoarthritis

* Pinched nerves in my neck and lower back (and permanent nerve damage to my right side) that causes weakness and numbness in my legs, arms, and shoulders 

* Chronic and pretty much weekly migraines or just daily headaches

* Bursitis in both hips

* Knees that hurt and make noise, but I don't know what's wrong with them

* One ankle has a bone fragment, a bone spur on the heel, and ligament damage

* The other angle has ligament damage - both require surgery to fix

* Ulcers and acid reflux

 * Tinnitus (constant ringing in both ears)

* Depression

You can now add kidney stone (which has stopped hurting, so I'm okay), and cysts on both of my ovaries that need a doctor to examine them to find out if they need to be removed and what sort they are. 

The next asshole that says anything about people not needing a universal healthcare can suck it. I've worked since I was 16. I've worked my ass off. The fact that I'm *still* waiting for medical is seriously some bullshit. My old job offered me unpaid leave. UNPAID. How the hell does some multi-million dollar company *not* have paid disability for people that need it for more than a few weeks? Don't they realize it can take up to TWO years for someone to file for SS disability? And that, if they're single, like me, with no kids, there's almost no programs out there to help you? I have no income, working isn't something I can do - hell, my hobbies are the things I can do from my bed half the time, and I don't know of any job that'll let you work from your bed and give you time off when the headaches get so bad you have to cover your face because light hurts so much. 

Basically, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of not being able to see a doctor, or to have a prescription for the medication I need to manage my pain. I need injections in my neck and lower back just so I can walk for more than an hour, or to be able to sit up and enjoy a meal without constantly wondering how long it'll be before I can lay down and cover my head because sitting up for a few hours gives me the headaches without fail. Sitting up for three hours results in that numbness and tingling in my hands. You try writing, drawing, or even reading when you have a headache that makes light feel like knives stabbing you in the face and brain. Then tell me how it feels when there's no doctor, no drugs, no relief for you. Until you've walked a day in my shoes, or in the shoes of someone that's dealing with chronic pain that doesn't have access to medical, shut your gob. 

I'd also like to eat a meal, just once, without getting sick after eating. Just once. For the last year, every time I eat anything, I am treated to the acid reflux or my stomach flipping me off. No matter how good the food is, it never tastes as good coming up. It makes you really picky about what you eat, because the food better be worth how it'll make you feel afterwards. I bet if I could see a doctor, I could have the stomach issues taken care of. Oh, right, no doctor for me... 

Fucker works 2 years in office and gets tax payer provided healthcare, for life. I work for most of my life and I get nothing but a 'good luck with that, here's another form you have to fill out, and I know your doctors in Chicago said this about your condition, but we need you to see some other doctor that'll do one test and your entire healthcare will be determined by someone that thinks all you need to do is lose a few pounds in order to feel better'. News flash... last weigh in says I've lost 50lbs. I don't feel a lick better.

This thing from Red Dwarf is stuck in my head:


To Ganymede and Titan
Yes sir, I've been around
But there ain't no place
In the whole of space
Like that good ol' toddlin' town...
Lunar City Seven
You're my idea of heaven
Out of ten you score eleven
You good ol' artificial terra-formed settlement...

Just wanted to share.

Hurt...

Desperately in need of drugs. I want to create, to write, to draw, to paint; to anything but be in pain, but all I can do is hurt.

I know, not my usual ramblings. I know I should be yammering on about a project or a thing I’m working on, but it’s just pain and hurt right now, so my creativity has been boiled down to ‘it hurts, make it stop’. The only thing I could write right now would be some horrible story where everyone dies and it’d be all depressing. No one needs to read that.

Okay. Going back to staring at nothing and wishing for it to stop hurting. Send drugs. Or just one of those doctors that can inject my spine with stuff so I can’t feel things or care about the hurting. I’d love that.

The more you know…

I’ve been thinking. Not constantly or anything, but random thoughts have been popping into my head lately. Take Katy Perry’s song I Kissed a Girl. I’d put good money on her doing more than just kissing a girl. It’s a fact* that 78%** of women that attend college ‘experiment’ with the same sex. Same with men, but the percentage is much lower, and none of them would ever admit it, especially in Texas.

For some reason, I was also remembering something I overheard one of my guy friends say. He may have been saying it to me, but it was such a stupid thing to say, I immediately dismissed it. He said he liked to pretend women didn’t fart or use the bathroom at all. To me, that just sounds ridiculous. But then, thinking about it, I know loads of women that never let the guy they’re with know about any of their bowl movements. I’m not saying you should go out and call your honey into the loo to show him the brick you just dropped, but letting them believe your bottom his some magical place that nothing vile comes out of is just a horrible idea. If things get serious, and you end up living together, sooner or later, you’re gonna get sick and foul up the bathroom. Granted, by then, he’ll be in love with you, so I guess that makes sense in some very stupid way that I just don’t understand.

* By fact, I mean opinion

** All invented statistics amount to 78%***

*** That statistic about statistics was made up

Rainy Days Don't Always Keep You Down

It was a day of errands, even though it was raining all freakin' day. Not sprinkling, but raining. Big, fat, stupid glops of it. But, happily, that didn't stop me from moving around. You see, today was the day I was FINALLY able to pick up drugs. Drugs that I need in order to move or do things, apparently. I forgot how it felt to have drugs that block the pain. I forgot how much I could do when properly medicated. (By 'much', I mostly just mean being able to walk around or sit up for more than an hour before I have to lie down for four or five days to make up for that one stupid hour of 'activity'.

*sigh* I love you pharmaceuticals.

I'm going to do a few more errands tomorrow, and then some color tests on Sunday after a visit to the art store. I can't seem to find any of the brushes I used to use for inking. Same with my quill crow pens. Totally gonzo, yo. I thought I had them in my one box for inking stuff but they weren't there. And my Windsor Newton series 7 brushes are gone too. I have no idea what other box I could've put them in. No matter. It's the art store for me on Sunday. I'll grab stuff then.

A Day In The Life

I woke up this morning with the pain in my neck so bad it felt like an ice pick was jabbed into the back of my skull. The idea of living with this kind of thing is a horrible prospect, especially since I have no relief and no way to see a doctor get the pain meds I need. No insurance means no meds, no doctor, no relief. Anyone that doesn't get why a universal health care system really needs to spend a week feeling as bad as I do without any meds to dull the sharp agony I am forced to endure. No one would argue after that. The idea of pain without reprieve would be enough to inspire them to find a solution. My saving grace, the thing that keeps me from opening a vein or going to sleep without ever waking up is the stack of printed out drawings I have to work on. The idea of putting color to Will's pencils, of having a book with our name on it, really is what keeps me going. I can't bail out, even if I want to cry every day because of the pain I'm in. Someone's got to color his work, right?

I'm going to go to a pen store with Anita today. Art seems to be my salvation right now, so I'm focusing on that. Maybe, in about two or three months, I'll be able to get help so I can have meds. Until then, it's a daily struggle to remember to breathe, to remember to hope. Drawing or painting seems to help me remember that, so I have to keep focusing on that.

I know this post is kind of depressing, but waking up in this much pain, and knowing that there is nothing I can do to make it more bearable, is a really hard pill to swallow. I'll try to cheer up next time.

Things and stuff

I haven't written in a while, but there's a lot to catch you up on. I moved to CA to live with my sister due to pain. The back and neck got so bad I couldn't even gimp to work. Very lame indeed.

Anyway, I'm here in CA now, and I think I'm actually started to be productive. I'm working on art with my friend Will Harris. He's amazingly talented and I'm really excited about the stuff we're working on. I've started dabbling in cell vinyl paint, which is fun, and I'm writing a story of my very own which will probably get turned into a graphic novel drawn by that Harris guy I mentioned.

For now on, this blog is gonna be mostly about the stuff I'm working on, with maybe some griping about my pain now and then. It's part of who I am, so I might as well own up to it and try not to let it be the boss of me. Now, back to the writing for a bit. Then I'm gonna have to drag my bottom into the living room to work on some of that art stuff I keep talking about.